It’s the end of another month and we see the year slowly drawing to a close. We’re making Thanksgiving and Christmas plans already and soon enough we’ll be saying Happy New Year again.
I can’t believe the year is almost gone. I’m tempted to say ‘where did all the time go’ but looking back, I can see how it’s been a full year. I know personally that I have changed somewhat since January which is to be expected. As humans, we are constantly learning, growing and changing through our experiences.
So as most of my year has been, my October hasn’t been very eventful. Other than work, work, work (cue Rihanna and a failed twerk), there’s not much going on. I tried so hard to do a September month-in-review but couldn’t bring myself to write anything coherent. I guess I was still reeling from the month’s events and couldn’t really process much. Thankfully, I can write about this month. I know I said not much is going on still but I’d say that October was quite defining for me in the sense that I started thinking more deeply about my life and what I want out of it. Some of the epiphanies I got are summarized in random tweets but I remember having a mini meltdown one morning when the harsh realization hit me that everything I am and am not today is as a result of actions I took in the past. This might not be news to some but for reasons I do not understand, it hit me hard that morning. Painful because I thought of all the things I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to doing due to fear, insecurity or some other reason. For days, I was filled with a deep sense of dissatisfaction, a lack of motivation, and despair. Regret is a joy-sucking trap and after that morning, I found myself going down the deep rabbit hole of regret. I couldn’t stop blaming myself for my actions or lack thereof. The thing with regret is that it makes you focus on what could have been and taking for granted what is. In those moments where I couldn’t forgive myself, I ignored all that I have, am and on the road to being, and stayed fixated on my seeming stagnancy. I am thankful for the reminder in my growth series. I’m over that short, traumatic phase but occasionally still find myself thinking about what could have been. I look at how much time has passed and it’s starting to appear I have little left. But who put me on the clock and who is watching? This is how we put up barriers and pressures on ourselves.
I have also been thinking about purpose a lot and questioning if I’ll ever be fulfilled in my work. I’m an ardent believer of ‘your gift will make a way for you’ but guess who was never confident enough to let that play out in her life? You guessed right. I plan to write about fear and how it sucks life and motivation out of us as humans. If you ask what we are scared of and what hinders our progress, it’ll be hard to vocalize. I realized I wasn’t really scared of any external forces. What I was (and am) scared of is me. Scared of my potential and how the world would perceive me and the actions I take. I’ll expand on this more in my post on fear.
All these are a roundabout way of saying that October was a month filled with epiphanies, doubts, questions and resolutions. I choose to write out these musings to open up my thought process for others to see and offer perspective. If there’s one thing I’ve realized, it’s that nothing anyone is going through is new. Someone has dealt with the same feelings mentioned above. What’s important is conquering your depressing feelings and coming up top.
Enough of the dreary stuff, now to fun highlights of my month
- I got to watch Travis Greene perform live alongside Elevation Worship and it was an experience. I am a huge Travis Greene fan and not one to shy away from talking about how much impact his music has made on my life so my heart felt very full being in that room with him and watching him sing. Elevation Worship rocked as well and it felt like I was in one of their cool videos you see on YouTube. I plan to go see Tasha Cobbs live next month and I. Cannot. Wait
- I got invited back to my school as an alumni speaker to share my job hunting tips and tricks with other international students. When I think about the fact that this time last year, I was still actively job-hunting, I feel so grateful that a year later, I am able to share what worked for me with others coming behind. Everything will play out in it’s time, if we would all just be patient
- I was in and out of 5-star hotels all month because of work and with each bed I slept in, I thanked my God for how far he has brought me. From a 2-star, 3-star, no star motel (when things were rough) kinda girl to one who now picks and chooses her favorites and least favorites among the top luxury chains. In the words of my sweet momma – big girl, big God aka #BGBG
What I’m Reading – Stay With Me by Ayobami Adedayo. I put my other non-fiction tech book on hold because it was becoming a drag. I love me a good plot and this has been interesting so far.
What I’m Watching – My favorite shows, HTGAWM (if you know, you know) and This is Us, are back for new seasons and I’ve watched a couple of episodes in the short time I have assigned to TV on the weekends. Sometimes I cheat and watch Insecure during the week but for the most part, I stick to my routine. I’m behind on all of the shows but who cares.
Who I’m Listening To – Elevation Worship’s new album (Hallelujah from here below), Teni, Calum Scott and James Arthur.
For music lovers, here are some of my song recommendations
- You are the reason – Calum Scott and Leona Lewis
- Passport home – JP Cooper
- Lova lova – Duncan Mighty and Tiwa Savage
- Destiny – Casper Nyovest
- The more I seek you – Kari Jobe
- Hallelujah from here below – Elevation Worship
Wishing you an amazing November. Work extra hard to get closer to your goals before the year ends. Stay hungry!
Happy New Month.