The Growth Series: Yewi, Part 2
Continued from The Growth Series: Yewi, Part 1
Now to the philosophical part of the entire piece.
The last two and a half years of my life have been a blur. I spent the whole time in school, learning, growing and pursuing knowledge and in my first year, I was challenged in a whole new way I was totally unaccustomed to always questioned my decision to move. I was struggling, lonely, and very unhappy. I reached a new low in 2016 reminiscent of my teenage years but this time as an adult and with a higher consciousness. For the first time in my life, I realized I was close to depression and saw no good in anything around me. Thankfully, I picked myself up and have since learned to pick myself up in low moments instead of wallowing in sadness. I also started applying for jobs towards the end of 2016 and boy, that was a very difficult and frustrating season of my life. I even tried to blog about the process but it soon wore me out and I never did complete the series. But in 2017, things started to look more promising. I chose to stop lying in bed in my dark room, hiding away from the world feeling sorry for myself, and explored a new-found love for travel and adventure. I decided to go on trips to see new things and places. Little drops started to make an ocean and gradually, I experienced immense personal transformation. I also challenged myself to tackle new goals like working out every week, complete online classes, build new relationships and work towards new skills. In school, I worked on research due to be published soon, finally landed a job offer a year after I started applying and completed my dual masters’ degrees. Whew.
So, sitting here in this moment and reflecting on my life over the last five years, I am amazed at how much I have changed as an individual and grown into a woman who can hold her own. You see, once upon a time I had very little confidence, so I didn’t say much, hardly smiled and kept to myself. I was quite a sullen and unhappy child and this followed me into adulthood. Going one year back to 2012, a pivotal surgery changed the course of my life. But by 2013 when my personal struggles started to come to an end, it seemed like the heavy weight that had held me down my entire life had finally been lifted and I felt free for the first time – free to express myself, to interact without being self-conscious, and free to smile (if you ever wondered why I smile so much, there’s a story behind that). I’ve also evolved and discovered new abilities and passions. I’ve moved on from media for now and am forging a path more closely aligned with purpose.
The person I am today is worlds apart from the girl I was five years ago. I was so timid, lacking in self-confidence, had big dreams but would barely talk to anyone. Now, you can’t tell me ‘nothing. I’m still quiet and not much of a talker but I laugh with reckless abandon. I walk up to strangers and talk to them; I stand in front of a room full of people and talk with just a little trepidation; I walk with a spring in my step and am no longer afraid to open my mouth. I have evolved so much and strive to be a better version of myself every day. I’m now the happy go lucky person with too many friends to count.
I realize now that I was always that person underneath. I always had a happy spirit but the vicissitudes of my life at the time did not allow that spirit to manifest. I was always a friendly person but my self-consciousness stopped me from talking to people and making friends as easily as I do now. I was always a dreamer and the person who liked to get involved and rally people together, but my insecurities held me back.
In recent times, I have questioned my life experiences over the past few years and why I have been led to certain places at certain times – usually a sharp contrast from where I want to be and what I want to be doing at the time. I have held on to past mistakes and regrets thinking I wasted time doing the wrong things. But what I always forget and try to constantly remind myself of is the fact that those experiences have shaped me into who I am and permanently changed my perspective. I have learned about human beings and how to better relate and make better relationships. I have learned so many valuable things which make me a more wholesome individual so when I want to beat myself up, I choose to focus on my colorful experiences not the bitter moments. I learn from the wrong choices I made and try to guide others to make better decisions.
It is human nature to sometimes forget where we’re coming from and focus solely on the current period in our lives that we fail to remember the hard times we overcame in the past. Reflections help us to stop and about how far we have come and who we have been transformed into. Like everyone else, I have had my fair share of highs and lows over the years but I learned more recently to pick a ‘Victor mindset’ instead of the ‘Victim mentality’ (hey Pastor!).
With adulting, I stopped dreaming because I didn’t see any rational ways to achieve my dreams and soon enough they started to seem silly to me. I became scared to set goals for fear that I would never achieve them. I realize now that it is time to start dreaming again but more importantly set goals in line with these dreams and work to achieve them. So that I can look back again in another 5 years and have no regrets; be glad that I did things differently.
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